This is how the story began.
I was an innocent young girl who had never left my hometown of England. One day I decided to take a gigantic big leap to get married and move across the ocean, to a land unknown where I knew no souls except for my new love. This love promised me a great many things including freedom. Freedom had been the one thing that had seemed to elude me from the very moment I stepped into this life. I wanted it so badly, I knew I had to have it, and it felt within reach. My life had been one of order, control, responsibility and great sacrifices yet I yearned to dance to my own beat and explore the depths of my soul, for it was deep.
As I was discovering this new sense of self, this new life in a new land, while trying to fulfill all of my new duties as a wife, I caught glimpses of my true self. I began to become familiar with a deep yearning and wanting in my heart that there was more to life, there was more out there and more to seek. Just as I would begin to follow that voice to explore what it was, I was jolted back into my reality of responsibility, submission, and judgment. In fact, it was much like the life I had before I left my family. There was no freedom in this new life, either.
Years went by, and though the glimpses of my true self were still there, I became very good at looking another way. I got lost in the less meaningful treasures of the world.
Then, out of the blue, I had a hit of my true self again. This time, it had decided it wasn’t going to sit back and watch any longer. It wanted to be heard.
I had been working for someone for a few years and in that time, I had learned to lead under their guidance. My heart spoke to me in that moment and said it’s time to go out on your own. I began to believe I could do it. I could lead my own business! I could stand tall and create what I wanted. I finally felt strong enough to leave the nest and rise to the challenge. Of course, once I conveyed this to my husband and my family back home they filled my head with fears and reasons not to. But, I was tired of being small, I was tired of feeling like I couldn’t make it on my own. So, I did it anyway. I did all the things I needed to do to get everything in place and by golly, it was a success. I had done it.
This led me to think I could have more and this led me to think bigger. I was filled with so much hope, possibility, and strength. I could feel a deep, dark hole inside of me wanting my attention and needing me to look at it. It told me, my current life was not mine to live. So I carried the burden of guilt, shame and the promises I had once made to those I love. In spite of that, I knew I could not break this promise to myself. I knew I had to rise up and walk into the unknown. Of course, this was unacceptable to my husband because it meant that our life together would no longer exist. He was devastated and he told me so. He blamed me and layered me with thick guilt (my kryptonite). I did not take this decision lightly and tried everything in my power to honor him as much as I could. But it was soon clear that he could not and would not walk this path with me, for I had been trying for seven years and we had not moved together at all.
Just as I was about to make the leap, fear grabbed me by the neck and held on tight. Fear told me that I would not succeed, that I am nobody, that I will have nothing and lose everything. Fear said I would be punished forevermore for all the hurt I’m causing the people in my life now. Again, I stifled my heart and tried my darnedest to stay. I choose to stay small and hide. I did not take the leap. I was so miserable and I knew I had made a great sacrifice. I felt hopeless.
A steady loyal friend who had begun to earn my trust reminded me of my great power and reminded me that magic exists. He opened the door to an infinite universe where there are none who are damned, where there is no hell, where leaps of faith equal great reward and an abundance of joy available to everyone. There was a part of me that didn’t want to believe this yet I had known this in my heart all along. This friend was simply reminding me of my own home and what is my birthright. Nothing has gone wrong, everything is perfect as it’s meant to be.
I chose to listen to my heart again, and this time I drew lines in the sand. I declared that I would be walking forth, into the unknown and that I could not live this life anymore. Using my voice in this way was not easy but if I wasn’t willing to stand for myself then who would? If I didn’t stand for myself now then when? As I took the first step I was crippled by the pain because nothing was familiar anymore, nothing tasted the same, everything felt like an imposter and I was yearning for home. This went on for a while until one day the dawn broke and I saw a pure light. I knew nothing was familiar yet everything was more brilliant, everything was more exciting, everything had more depth. My excitement rose and rose, my belief in myself grew and grew and I was unable to contain my joy anymore. Freedom was here. Freedom embraced me. Everything from that moment was an adventure, I was curious about everything in my path. I took a bite out of it all, and if I didn’t like it, I moved on and if I did like it, I’d hold it close and cherish it. My heart was so huge and so deep, and my eyes were full of wonder that I had forgotten about discernment. I was learning.
When I found something I liked, I would hold on really tight and it would escape me and caused pain. That deep, dark hole grew larger and the pain I felt eroded away the hope that was inside me. This is when my new allies would raise me up and offer some of their hope so that I could rise again and as I did, the journey continued. The particular new friend who had opened the door to this infinite universe had become more and more and more and soon I began to see him as life. Little did I know that would be the very cause of my death. I tangled myself deeper and deeper into him to the point that I couldn’t feel the edges of myself. I was a blur. I didn’t know what was me and what wasn’t. If he chose to breathe, then I would taste the air, if he chose not to, I fell. This pain grew darker and deeper and eventually, he decided he could no longer breathe as one and therefore removing my air supply. My love and life had abandoned me.
This was my death. This felt worse than I’d ever felt before. I chose not to get up and chose to opt out of life. If something so sweet and so pure was not to be mine, then I did not want anything anymore, ever again. Life felt meaningless. Life was dark. Life felt cruel. Through the next few months, as I was biding my time, I stumbled upon an experience that could possibly bring me back to my heart. In that moment I felt a tiny shimmer of hope. Something inside of me made a decision to say yes and called it forth.
As I set sail for unchartered territory, new plains and deep discovery of myself, my heart started to open a little. Through this experience, I faced my death and I chose life. I have a new sense of purpose, an undeniable strength and a pack of superhero women who walk alongside me should any trouble arise. My journey home to myself is one of courage and I continue on in spite of what may come. I know that things can bring me down and I also know that I can choose to get back up. This time I know I’m not alone and that goodness is everywhere should we choose to see it. I enjoy playing with freedom, who is sticking around for good, and though there are dark moments, the light continues to beam stronger and stronger.