Patience is a pain in my virtue

I have found myself in a perfect storm. A perfect storm of big life changes that are currently in limbo. And, oh how poetic that right now in Vancouver we are encountering an actual storm? Maybe I should be writing a poem instead of a blog post with a tone that reads: mildly annoyed.

I’ve been trying to lean into the waiting. Lean into the uncertainty and ambiguity. Each day that passes seems to create more fog and the excitement has turned into misery. I want answers. I want things I can count on. Who doesn’t?

I have been here before. A wise woman told me to ask the right question, and when I do, and there isn’t an answer, be okay with that. The answer will come when it’s ready.

Cue tantrum.

I am choosing to focus on the fact that I am living a really wonderful life already, and I have so much to be thankful for. If nothing changed, things are still great. Everything is still okay. But when you’ve gotten a taste of how things could change for the better, and you get your heart set on something, well, you end up having something to lose. And, that my friends is where I find myself currently.

Is it okay to get attached to something? Is it okay to really want something so badly that you manifest it and then somehow it slips out of your fingers, or it doesn’t line up the way you thought it would? Is the thing you really desire, yours to desire? These are a lot of the questions that I’ve been asking. Again, I sense they are the wrong questions.

I’ve had moments of feeling lucid – where I really trust that everything is going to work out exactly the way it’s meant to, and if something I manifested, ends up not working out, then that’s probably in my best interest too. Now, that’s some trust. And then I smile and go about my day for about 2.3 minutes, and I’m again reminded of the great uncertainty that swells around my being and I’m sucked back into the void again, wishing for that lucidity to find its way back to me.

Waiting has never been my strong suit which also means it’s my strength.

Confused? Me too at first, but let me explain. If you need someone to take care of something, I’m your woman. I will take care of it yesterday, last week and a decade ago. You can count on me to get things done, efficiently and accurately because it’s in my nature. My partner seldom asks me for help, but when he does, he says: “you don’t have to do it right away”. Does he know me but at all? Well, he does, and I choose to ignore that and help him right away.

Is there someone out there who’s really good at waiting? I’d love to talk to you, buy you your favourite drink, perhaps even invite you over for dinner and warmly ask you to share your secrets.

I’m reminding myself and anyone out there who needs a reminder again, that, even if you did nothing, you deserve everything you desire, and I guarantee it’s on the way to you. [I’m re-reading that for myself too]. I’m trusting that everything is unfolding the way it’s meant to, and all I need to do is let go of the wheel (apparently I’m driving a self-driving Tesla), put my feet up, look up and take it all in.

Maybe the waiting is a gift. Dare I say that? I’m saying it, but I’m not sure I totally believe it, just yet.