I am pretty terrified to share this experience with you, but I’m going to do it anyway.
This story goes back a long time ago. I was 23, happily married, and I’d just found out I was pregnant. For those of you that know me, I don’t have particularly traditional values – I believe myself to be pretty progressive and open, and for some reason, I had unconsciously thought that my life would be, marriage, job, kids, house – and so on. That was up until that moment. My then husband and I were sitting with the news, not feeling sad or happy, but just talking about what we wanted and what was best for us. I knew in my gut that I was not ready to have children and that it didn’t feel right for me. He agreed. So, we made a decision.
That decision has not sat well with me for the years to come. I’ve felt really ashamed, unworthy and generally awful for choosing that, and at the same time I cannot be more grateful that I had the courage to do what I needed to do and follow my instincts. That marriage turned pretty sour soon after, and we are no longer together today. I know many people have kids and choose to divorce, and they co-parent, or don’t and it all works out as it should, and I think that same has happened for me. I wasn’t meant to have a child then, not with that person anyway.
In my future relationships I’ve either had a really strong desire to birth a child, or I’ve been unsure. In my current relationship, I’ve mostly been flip-flopping between yes and no for years. Each time I witness friends with children, I think, wow, I sure am lucky that I’m not losing sleep, or that I don’t have to put myself second. I can take a nap whenever I want, for however long or shirk my responsibilities for a short while with no real repercussions. And, at the same time when other friends would share news of their pregnancy, I would spiral into sadness and despair.
I’ve never felt a strong desire to be a mother like some other people do. I really admire those who choose not to, and it was really frustrating that I didn’t know either way. Why couldn’t I figure it out?
You see, my current relationship has had many bumps in the road. Things have felt rocky and unsure and it definitely has impacted my feelings around security. Due to this, anytime I’d hear of my friends taking the next step, whether it be getting married, or engaged, or sharing that they bought a house together, or starting a family, I’d immediately feel broken. It would trigger beliefs in myself that told me I would never have those things and that I was unworthy of them anyway.
Sometimes, I would believe that I did something awful and that I was being punished, and that I would never be ‘allowed’ to be happy. It really stunk.
Thankfully, I’ve had a really great friend and guide in Magi and we’ve been able to deep dive into some of these false stories and help them come to the surface to be released. It has not been easy. Magi and I talked about this topic in our most recent podcast (click here to listen), and the conversation was life-changing for me. I wanted to get underneath my indecisiveness around whether I want to birth a child, or if I want to approach motherhood a different way (be it adoption, mentoring, teaching etc).
I knew that basing my decision off of being triggered was not working. Just because I felt sad when others told me they were expecting didn’t necessarily mean I wanted it myself. It told me that I didn’t believe I was good enough – and that could be linked to anything. Bringing a child into this world is no small thing for me. It’s a great responsibility and a lifelong journey – I need to be clear on this before taking any action.
Recently, my relationship has felt better than ever. We’re so in love and happy to be together and we’re talking about taking the next step.
It felt like the right time to look inward.
In my conversation with Magi she asked me if I’ve ever had the desire to nurture a being – my answer was no. The reason I was exploring motherhood in this form was expansion. I felt like it would support my evolution and expansion of self. I wanted to know if I could be selfless. Magi encouraged me to journal, and connect with my intuition, inner wise woman, and spirit. She reminded me that I wouldn’t find the answer in my head. In fact, that’s where I was getting really muddled.
Following the call with Magi, during my shower, I looked up and asked the angels, my mom, my guides to help me find clarity and to guide me closer to what was right for me. And then, I continued washing my hair and getting clean. I checked in periodically with myself and waited.
Two nights ago, I was laying in bed and I got my answer. It came whooshing into my body. My body felt hot. I heard the word: Yes.
Woah. I was speechless.
It doesn’t have to be yes, right?
Again, I heard, Yes.
So why have I never actually had the desire to nurture another human being?
Another voice, crystal clear: because you’ve never let yourself feel worthy of it. You have a lot of wisdom and nurture to share with a little being. Let it be.
I knew then, that I do want to explore this, it’s a clear yes. Whether or not it will happen for me is another story, but I can say with a full heart that I want this and I am going to try. I feel like I have a new lease on life – clarity does that. It feels so good to know. Oftentimes, there’s a lot of discovery before we get to clarity, and sometimes we don’t get it at all, and that’s okay. Another thing that I’m clear about, for myself, is that if it happens organically, then great, if it doesn’t, I will be okay with that and see what comes up at that point.
Thank you for reading.