In the space of four weeks:
🎤I moved out of my apartment that I lived in for 12 years.
No big deal, I’m totally fine.
🎤I went from living alone for 7 years to moving in with a BOY.
It’s fine, no big deal.
🎤I packed up my entire apartment the same month as I flew to London to meet my new niece only to return again (in that same month) and move into the new place a couple days later.
Again NO BIG DEAL.
🎤I had a health scare and got really really sick for a week (probably due to high levels of anxiety and stress)
Whatever, this is fine, right?
🎤Then, I spent every. single. spare. moment. on. unpacking. It was like living, breathing, eating, sleeping all the unpacking and organizing instead of easing into things and taking the time to unpack slowly.
What is slow anyway? I was fine.
Or was I?
It was when I was sitting on my chiro’s table when he asked me what was going on that I realized how deep in it I was (because he noticed my body was starting to resemble the ol’ hunchback of Notre Dame) and then asked me on a scale of 1 to 10, how stressed was I?
I said 9. Wait, what?! I thought I was good? I thought I was MANAGING everything okay?
I GUESS NOT.
In that same month, I found out about a medium scary health risk that for me felt like red alert, a crazy painful nightmare. I couldn’t ignore it, it was so painful that I didn’t know what to do. This anxious (detrimental) chatter was playing on repeat and constantly throughout my days for that WHOLE month. I was feeding myself with terrible thoughts and no rest, and no space for over a month. Yikes.
So many of us are just living our lives at warp speed, not taking a minute to check in with ourselves or living the way of the Italians (doing nothing). We’re constantly thinking we should be able to handle all this, and I don’t want to make this into a big deal or say no or stop because
a) things will fall apart
b) i’ll be judged
c) i’ll fail
d) i’ll be less than
or whatever else your fear/belief is around stopping.
IT’S SIMPLY NOT TRUE.
I didn’t take the time to take it easy. I didn’t take the time to make space for my self-care or routine, or the grounding that I really needed. No wonder I was feeling so disconnected from myself and my body. My body had to create dis-ease to help me see I needed to stop (as it does, it’s so clever).
OK, I got the message loud and clear.
I arranged myself with doctor’s appointments, healers, and friends to help support my high level of stress. I knew I needed to slow down, get my hormones balanced, reduce stress and ask for help.
It became aware to me that I had rejected the left side of my body (that’s where the trauma was/is) and my body had created a rigid protection (think tense muscles, poor posture, curving in of shoulders).
- Leaning on my partner and allowing him to comfort + support me
- Taking my lunch break to do nothing instead of errands or other housework
- Talking to my soul friends about how I was feeling and telling them how I really wasn’t doing okay and letting them hold space for me
- Turning to healers like chiropractors, acupuncture, and reiki
- Laying and breathing for 5-10 minutes when I started to feel in my head
- Eating fresh and whole foods
- Laughing through my day (thank you, Kelsey, you are my inspiration around this)
- FaceTime with my sisters and nieces, because they make me smile so much
- Going for short walks in my neighborhood
- Hot tubs + baths
The most important one of all?
I kept kicking myself because I should have known better. I do all this soul searching and work and here I am burnt to a crisp in my head and I’m beating myself up about it. Catch 22. So, I let it go, and said maybe I did know better, but at the time I was showing up and doing my best. And, I get a do-over anytime I freaking want.
It’s been ten days since my do over and I’m just starting to feel better in the last day or two. Happier, lighter, grounded, peaceful, open, balanced, grateful, blessed.
To each and every one of you that supported me with your kind words, or your smiles, your gifts or infinite wisdom, I thank you deeply.